Last week I floated the following comment that actually was a BIG DEAL to me. I had signed up for online dating. It has been awhile since I’ve dated…and if I want to be honest when I was dating before it wasn’t that hard to meet guys. The problem has always been meeting the “right” one.
As time went on I just became more and more reluctant to date because I kept meeting the wrong (but super hot LOL) guys who left me feeling crappier about myself than I already was feeling because of my debt.
The big issue that I had was an intense reluctance (read fear) of discussing my debt. I just didn’t want to go there…if you know what I mean? Especially after an ex-boyfriend expressed how he was reluctant to continue dating his current girlfriend at the time because of her law school debt (we were still on speaking terms).And I just thought-Ouch, I had debt too. He never really knew about the debt, but he was the recipient of high strung behavior on my part because I was stressed out about money and other stressful situations that were a result of my money issues.
I Didn’t Want To Go There
So I didn’t. I just slowly but surely stopped dating. And honestly, it was a good thing that I did because I eventually learned that I needed to deal with myself or I would continue to attract the wrong men.
For me to begin dating signaled a huge change in how I was feeling about myself and my money situation. After years of working on my habits I’ve done the following:
- Switched to a cash only budget-I haven’t used a credit card since April
- Broke my shopping habit. I basically don’t shop anymore. When I do I try to focus on quality instead of quantity
- Switched my cell phone service to Republic Wireless. Republic Wireless Moto X $5/month. Data, Talk & Text. No contracts.
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- Created a clear and easily communicated process for debt repayment
- Worked on myself (through journaling, exercise, and meditation)
- Learned to be forgiving of my bad mistakes. I did the best that I could with the information that I had at the time.
I Now Have A Plan
Now that I’m dating while in debt again I’m not excited about the debt repayment conversation…but I’m not afraid anymore. Recently I spoke with Taalat and Tai from His and Her Money. I love those two-really! When I imagine my married life I truly hope that it is similar to the example that they are showing me. Anyway, Taalat and Tai shared their story and basically said the following “If the person you’re with is the right person, sharing your debt might make them nervous but, if you have a plan that you can articulate don’t be afraid that your debt will keep them from wanting to be with you.”
I needed to hear that. I am not a loser, a failure, or stupid for making the money choices that I’ve made.
I’m Human
I’ve dealt with a lot of hard stuff in my life that quite honestly probably won’t be talked about on my blog. Despite everything, I’m still standing. If a man comes into my life and wants a life partner who will support him through thick and thin, handle adversity when it arrives, likes to have fun, likes adventure (read travel and live abroad), snowboards, wants to wrestle an alligator at the Great Sand Dunes National Park, wants to be in an action movie, and enjoys cooking for him-then I’m your girl. I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty awesome.
As my debt is being paid down AGAIN I find myself thankful for the education it gave me, the trips, and pain. Without the pain I wouldn’t have begun blogging. I wouldn’t have changed my approach to money. I wouldn’t be rocking cash, paying debt down, and growing a personal brand.
I would be a very different person.
So, as I begin dating again I have a much different idea about my self-worth and what I bring to the table in a relationship.
The “One” Will Be Lucky To Have Me. I finally believe that and I will keep you posted.
Have You Dated While In Debt?
How Did It Make You Feel? What Advice Would You Give to Someone In this Situation?
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I married my husband and his 100K of student loan debt, after all… I didn’t so much worry about sharing anything debt related with him (though I had it). I did worry about sharing my history of clinical depression. We dated for a few months and then I sat him down and told him the scary stuff – how I’d been on medication for years, how I’d been in a bunch of hospitals, how I had attempted suicide. I thought he would be like, ok, crazy girl. I can’t handle this! See ya! No, he kinda shrugged and said “Ok. Thanks for sharing”. He proposed a few months later…
Sometimes we put up our own walls where others don’t want them…
I think that there is a point in a relationship where you are either going to trust the other person enough to share something personal. If you never get to that point-then most likely that’s not a person that you should be with. I am so glad that you found The One who loved you unconditionally. I think that at the end of the day it’s all about vulnerability and trust.
That’s so beautiful. I have a few family members who’ve had mental issues. It’s good to know that they still have prospects for love.
My husband had some credit card debt when we started dating. He was honest and up front about it. It didn’t bother me because he seemed sincerely concerned. He had just been a poor student for so long that it started piling up without him really noticing. I had a car loan for a car I couldn’t really afford at the time, so I didn’t feel like I was in any position to judge either!
I think that a lot of people have various levels of debt. I think that the issue is-what is their plan about dealing with that debt?
I feel the same reluctance to date making not great income. I always think, “oh I run out of things to wear or not be able to spend enough on upkeep.” But I’m slowly trying to let that idea go because if someone is into me, that won’t matter if I have my head on straight and have a purpose to my life and my career.
Do guys notice what we wear? LOL!! But, yes, I totally get what you mean. I’m finally trusting that if it’s the right person they will be happy being with me.
Yes! Love that! When I was dating all the weirdos, that totally crossed my mind and kept me feeling self-conscious. My husband was different. When we were dating he didn’t look at me as some broke girl needed saving, he saw it as his “gentleman-ly” duty to help me when I needed gas, buy shoes for me if mine seemed raggedy, etc. I was trying to start a business and hustle for bigger and better and he saw that. The good men want to feel needed and are honored to help the women in their lives. I knew he was a keeper then. To this day, he gets great joy out of leaving out to work while we stay in bed to rest. A real man doesn’t care about your income, it’s his job to provide and be a team.
I love this comment. It made me feel a little teary eyed! I am looking forward to being a part of a team. I was always feeling like a guy would think that I was a burden because of the debt (maybe because I didn’t have a plan?) Now, I’m motivated, working hard, and have too many plans to count. And, I’m a Rock Star and I believe it!
I stopped dating when I was in great debt because it was something that could add to my debt. I am a man who should pay for the expenses in each date, thats why I stopped. I went back to dating when I paid off my debt, and this story is one of the topics I and my date talk about because it tells me something about myself.
So, it isn’t just me! I just didn’t want to date with debt. Partly because I couldn’t articulate how I was dealing with it. Now, I have a plan, am taking action and can articulate what I’m doing to bring the debt down. Despite the debt I have a property that I owe very little on (and has a TON of equity) and an o.k. retirement fund. Once the debt is gone-it will be even better! I just need to give myself some credit (no pun intended) for taking care of things.
I’m glad that you’re being honest about your debt and I don’t think it will make a big difference to the right person, because you’re so awesome anyway 🙂 I’m dating while in debt now and it’s no cake walk. We want to get married, but the debt is definitely holding us back. We have a history together and similar financial goals though, so we’re just trying to stick together and make progress together but it can definitely cause a strain at times. I’m not going to front and act like we don’t have disagreements about money because there are times when we do and I feel like if we didn’t have debt a lot of those minor money-related issues wouldn’t even be issues. The good news though, is that we can grow as a couple and get through this together. Going through ups and downs really shows you the raw person who you’re dealing with and ensures that we want to be together in the long run.
I think that I’ve made some very substantive and profound changes to how I deal with my money. I use a cash only budget, I don’t shop anymore, I rock the deals, and basically I’ve broken almost all of my consumption driven habits. If a guy can’t see that I’m working hard to take care of business-then he’s just going to move on and so will I. I just don’t think punishing myself and living my life alone is a solution to dealing with my debt. I’m a good person and I will make the right person a good girlfriend. He will just have to trust that I’m trying my best. If he can’t trust in me then we already have problem LOL!
I think that your year without shopping and also the fact that you stopped dating for a deteminated period helped you to understand better yourself…I think that couples must to be honest from beginning so don’t worry when you’ll meet Mr right you’ll understand because he will accept you at 100% with no doubts:D
Thanks Giulia!! I appreciate your kind words. I think you’re right that I have a much better understanding of what makes me “tick” than I did before. I think I just needed to take time for myself and learn how to manage some habits that would have been detrimental to a healthy relationship. Will keep you posted 🙂
OMG, I want to give you the biggest high five ever right now Michelle!!!!!! I love this so much and goodness, Taalat and Tai are so wise aren’t they? I couldn’t agree more with you that coming to terms with who you are, how you handle money, and where it is you want to go are the best things that you could not only do for yourself but for your future hot boyfriend. 🙂
Thanks Jessi! I love those two and cannot wait to meet them (and you!) in September! They are just so positive and inspiring. I just imagine us laughing for hours talking about hilarious stuff. Can’t wait to introduce you to my future hot boyfriend LOL!
Dated & married while in debt. No one is perfect – as you say. The key is that you both recognize it and be willing to support (and exist with) your own imperfections. I think you are awesome too, but now I’m a little intimidated by you…wanting to wrestle alligators and all. LOL! I wonder if that would be interesting on a dating profile. Ha!
I’ve decided to share the alligator wrestling when we go to The Great Sand Dunes National Park. It will be a surprise! The alligators are next to the park. Keeping it off the dating profile LOL! I don’t need to be perfect I just need to continue to work on myself and be clear about what I want. I think the right guy will be understanding and supportive.
I think this is amazing !! It is so liberating working to get out of debt, and the feeling once you do is indescribable. I am cheering for you!! 🙂 Be sure to keep us posted on the online dating experience. I know many people who have found their current spouses on their. I am definitely an advocate for online dating 🙂
Thanks Samara! I have also decided to change my online dating process to. Just decided tonight so I’ll share that soon. I have a TON of friends who’ve met someone online so I do think it can be pretty effective depending on your approach and how open you are to the process. Will keep you posted!
I started dating my husband while I was in debt and he was not. At the time, I was still quite spendy so his disapproval was actually the fuel I needed to motivate myself and get out of debt. I think as long as you’re honest from the get-go, you should be in great shape, and if someone is going to be a jerk about it then you probably don’t want to be with them anyway!
Good point! I’m not spending anymore so I’m super focused on debt repayment. I am sure he will be quite amazed by my dedication LOL!
I totally get it! For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why dating wasn’t working for me. I had to hit rock bottom and realize I wasn’t 100% happy with me because I was in so much debt. No man could fill the void. I couldn’t be a good partner to anyone if I wasn’t right with myself first. Acknowledging your mistakes and working a plan to get out of debt is a step in the right direction. That in itself restored some of my self confidence.
You’ve “hit the nail on the head.” I just felt like such a failure. And, I think that I was really uncomfortable with fessing up about the debt. At this point, I’m REALLY focused on kicking it to the curb and I’ve become a lot kinder with my myself. I just have to make sure that I DON’T make the same mistakes over and over again.
This post was great! I am beginning my debt-free process and have dated guys in the past who have mentioned that my student loan debt was a problem. I have a few follow up questions since it’s been a while:
-How did you overcome the ” feeling like a guy would think that I was a burden because of the debt”? You alluded to making a plan, but was that all that you need to overcome that thought? To me, it sounds like it was a shift in how you defined your worth.
-How did you navigate the expenses associated with dating?
– How did you articulate your financial goals to your dates?
I stopped having the burden feeling as my debt-repayment plan became clear to me. I had actionable steps that I was actually taking, could explain, and could show results to any would be boyfriend. Unfortunately, I haven’t dated a lot recently, but when I do, I keep it low-key. I always suggest a coffee Meetup. Hiking and other physical activities are a lot of fun here in town so I enjoy doing those and those are cheap (slightly sweaty) dates. Nowaday I just mention that I’m a money blogger and podcaster. Then, they can ask questions based on that admission.