A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my mom. My mom who I love dearly also drives me nuts. Basically we have the typical mom/daughter relationship! My mom is quite honestly my hero and the following conversation illustrates why.
We are regular people who have had many challenging times in our lives. When I was seven my mother was a hard working, young divorcee trying to get ahead in life working three jobs and going to college. I learned my ability to work hard from my mom. She is very generous and has been know to open her home to help people, donate items, give money, and do other charitable acts. Why? Because she could and she feels that if you can help someone you should.
One of the three jobs she was working at that time was at a grocery store. As you know, most grocers/restaurants throw out a TON of perfectly good food every night. One of my mom’s tasks was to take this food to the dumpster and throw it out. One day she noticed that there was a middle aged white man sitting in a van. This isn’t all that unusual in Boulder. You will see hippies or other travelers living in vans then moving on. The difference was this man had been a high powered executive who had lost everything. His fall from financial security was so stunning and heart breaking for him that he wouldn’t tell his children where he was. Why? Because he was living in his van and he was heart-broken by this turn of events.
My mom started giving him food that had been made the same day but was earmarked for the dumpster. On the way to the dumpster she would give him food. She fed him for one year. My mouth dropped when I heard that. One year. For this man that act of unsolicited kindness probably renewed his faith in humanity and gave him strength to get through his situation. What my mom did was risky because she could have lost her job if her boss had found out.
My mom had grown up with the tradition of helping others. My aunt (her youngest sister) lived with us for a year around that time. We didn’t have a lot of money but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t able to do something that would make a profound difference in someone else’s life.
You have to understand that I’d NEVER heard of this story until the other week. We were just talking randomly on the phone about something else and this came up.
Because of this conversation I started to think about a couple of things. The fact that people mix up the idea of charity vs. kindness and compassion. How has the idea of charity has become such a bad thing? When helping other people is such a positive experience for both the giver and the recipient.
I find Americans to be some of the most generous people when it comes to time (volunteering) and money (donating) giving money randomly to help people with bus fare, or paying for someone’s coffee/groceries. However, when you start talking about social “programs” we are strongly against them due to the perception that the people using these social programs are milking the system. How do we justify this schizophrenic approach to helping others?
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I leave you with a couple of questions
How do you show kindness and compassion to others? Have you ever thought about the difference between kindness/compassion and charity? What unsolicited things do you do or have done that’s helped someone in need? How did they react? How did it make you feel? How do you feel about social programs? Would you ever use one? Remember, your taxes do fund these programs.
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When I worked at the local shops we were told to waste perfectly good food. When I raised giving it away we were told that it wasn’t possible due to the health and safety concerns and if we did it “outside of the rules” we would be fired.
Hi Glen,
The “health and safety concerns” is the party line of all businesses that throw out large amounts of food. I find it ironic because they will sell it 1/2 price and then exactly at 5:00 p.m. it immediately becomes unsafe for human consumption. It’s ridiculous.
your mom is an amazing woman and a great example for you. i love how she is so willing to help anyone in need. I live in Canada and we have an overabundance of social programs to take care of each other. I didn’t have a strong opinion either way about them until I recently lost my job. I was lucky to have those programs in place. I received unemployment insurance for a year after, I was able to have my education funded and have daycare and traveling costs to and from school funded. Im sure there are many people who over use these systems for the wrong reasons, but when you actually do need them, having them in place is invaluable. It seems people only want to take care of each other when they can have personal recognition for it or when its on their own terms in the US. I hope someday they can see that a society that takes care of each other is a better route.
There is a huge misconception that the U.S. doesn’t have these programs. In fact, we have unemployment/food pantries/education assistance/and assistance for childcare. There are four barriers to using these services:
1.) Qualification thresholds-the standard is so rigid that it is difficult to get access to some of these services
2.) Each state has different programs available to its citizens. Colorado compared to other states has a large number of programs to serve people in need. We also only have 5 million citizens. Compared to California with a population of 38 million which is more than the population of Canada. Because Colorado has smaller numbers to deal with and a richer overall population there is a difference in what is available to people
3.) I don’t agree with the idea that Americans help only if they get personal recognition. I see people giving people money for bus fare (while on the bus) people who donate food/clothing etc. There are thousands of people who give as a part of their faith on a regular basis or just give because they just feel compelled to do it.
4.) Biggest problem-Societal perception of needing help and the stigma of using social programs. I think this is the number one problem that inhibits the creation of universal social programs for U.S. citizens (and our love of Capitalism). We aren’t supposed to need help. We’re supposed to “pull ourselves up” by our bootstraps. People forget that their taxes are already going towards these programs.
In my opinion sometimes people need help and there is nothing wrong with getting help especially when I’ve already paid taxes for it! Then, after you’re back on your feet you pay it forward.
That is so beautiful. I try to be nice to everyone and pay it forward. People have been so generous with me, it’s only right. Charity has a hierarchical feel to it, I like compassion and kindness much better. I’ve been on food stamps and never thought I would be. I needed them and they were there at the right time. Even so, I was/am incredibly privileged.
I think you make a really valid point about charity having a benevolent feel to. I get sick of people thinking that there is a lack of compassion, empathy, sympathy, and kindness out there. I see it every day when people help people cross the street, carry a package for someone, buy food for someone. I continue to have a lot of faith in people because they continue to show me that there is good in the world. You’re right-we are blessed!
That was so awesome of your mom!!! That got me teary eyed. I have more faith in compassion then I do sometimes with charity. Sometimes I feel like it comes with a lot of bureaucracy. I believe in social programs and don’t mind spreading a little of what I have across the board to help people in need. I know some people take advantage of the system, like food stamps and welfare, but others truly need it and I’m not going to punish the ones who don’t abuse the system. I do feel like I’ve slipped away from random acts of kindness and it’s something I need to get back to and focus on.
I was in tears when my mom told me that story. It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. I am trying to really work on compassion and empathy-not sympathy. I live a great life and sometimes I find that I feel a little…entitled, and maybe a little spoiled. Even with the hard times that I’ve had. Love my mom! She is amazing and will tell me like it is.
I just found your great blog and have enjoyed reading past posts. I read this entry and wanted to reply. You are so right about this twisted perception we have on giving. We, as a country, have been fed the line that so many people on government assistance are “bums.” If they would just work harder, they could succeed. Unfortunately, it is not that easy to climb out of poverty. I teach at schools where 90% of the children have free lunches, and I am grateful that they do! For me personally, I like to give cash to those who are standing on street corners. I feel that they would not be there in the hot and cold weather unless they really needed the money. I feel for these people. Perhaps the few dollars I give will buy their only food that day. I like to keep lots of one dollar bills in the glove compartment for this purpose. In the winter, I also keep chocolate candy bars in the car so the recipients can have a little pick-me-up. I remember every single time that others helped me in life, and I want to reciprocate in some way.
I am always very aware that things can change in a heartbeat. I don’t take things for granted and grateful everyday for what I have. I try to practice an attitude of active gratitude everyday. I am very uncomfortable with how comfortable people with making sweeping generalizations/judgements about other people and their situation. It’s hard though because I’m human and I can be judgmental as well. Until I’ve walked in someone else’s shoes I have no idea why they are in the situation that they currently are in. There is nothing wrong with treating people with kindness and compassion. It softens one’s heart.