I am feeling the best that I have in years. I want to be clear-things aren’t perfect. I have debt and I need to make more money…but, the way I was feeling for the past five years is completely gone.
Gone
Chronic anxiety. Gone, the constant grinding of teeth. Gone, the constant feeling of being attacked by the Universe. Gone, the constant sense of stress. And, finally, gone the constant feeling of exhaustion.
With all of that negative energy gone, I’ve become a much better daughter, friend, and future girlfriend to…the guy that I haven’t met yet. People comment on how positive I am, how friendly, how kind. It’s not lost on me that there are people who would not believe these reviews about me.
Stressed Girl Walking
That was me in the past. Chronic stress takes a toll on you not only physically and mentally but on the people who are around you. Towards the end of my last chapter I became hyper aware of how my stress was affecting the people around me and I just couldn’t seem to manage my interactions with people and make a change. No, I wasn’t yelling at people. But, I was in-freaking-tense most of the time. That’s when I began to notice the “slow fade.” You know, when friends stop calling as much and you stop hearing from them as much until one day you contact them and you don’t hear from them again until that awkward run in at the local mall. When this happens you’ve depleted your friendship bank by making too many withdrawals and not enough deposits.
What Is The Friendship Bank?
The friendship bank is basically referring to the give and take that occurs in a friendship (or any relationship) that you’re in.
Examples of actions that create a positive balance in the friendship bank:
- Helping a friend when they are sick (and they don’t have to ask).
- Checking in on them without prompting.
- Listening and being completely in the moment when you’re with friends (turning off the cell phones)
- Initiating hanging out.
- Babysitting little ones just to help your friend out. I actually did this today-but the baby’s dad changed the poopy diaper! He works from home.
Examples of withdrawals that create a negative balance over time:
- Always complaining when hanging out with a friend…and not dealing with whatever issue you’re complaining about.
- Always needing to be carpooled.
- Being the one who’s always a debbie or dave downer.
- The person who’s stuck…as your friends change and grow-personally, professionally, and spiritually.
My Current Friendship Bank Balance
I should be clear and say that I have a wonderful group of friends who have been around through the rough years and the good years and there were some. I would also like to recognize the fact that some friendships will fade over time because people change, distance, and that person’s moment in your life is no longer.
When your life moves from negative to positive (or positive to negative). You will lose and gain friends. It’s the ebb and flow of how life works. In this moment I am both gaining friends, deepening existing friendships, shaking off some people, and experiencing the slow fade from other friends.
It is a heady, intense, and interesting time for me. One of my primary goals that I set for myself after leaving my old job was to strengthen my relationships, meet new people, and move on from the people who brought me down and be ok with people letting me go because I had brought them down for so long.
It’s Time To Start Fresh
My advice to anyone reading this post is to take some time to really evaluate who you are in your friendships, who you want to be, and what you would like to have in return. Cultivate love, respect, and friendship like you would a garden. With constant watering, weeding, and sunshine. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a bad day, or have hard times. It means that you have to be mindful about managing those moments as best you can if you have the tools and focus to do so. While I do feel a bit badly that I was difficult to be around…I was dealing with a lot of sh$t and it is what it is. I hope to not make those mistakes again. And am very mindful and intentional about how I’m approaching friendship, love, and connections with others. It’s that important to me.
Have You Evaluated Your Friendship Bank?
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True friend are a true treasure that hasn’t worth!!!
True friends are priceless! I have a number of wonderful friends but it takes a lot of hard work, genuine energy, and “showing up!”
Good friends are so important. You can underestimate the power in that, which is why I’ve always hated those guys/girls that get a girlfriend/boyfriend and ditch all their friends. If you think that’s all you need in life you’re crazy. I think sometimes friendships are even more solid than significant others…good friends anyway!
I have a lot of wonderful friends but I am really trying to reset a lot of my friendships that either languished or suffered during the crazy stress years. I have to be understanding that some of those people will let me go or I will let some of those people go. It’s the ebb and flow. Fortunately it hasn’t been a large number of people. I will mourn those friendships, move on, and wish them well.
I just read a post the other day from Lisa Jo Baker and I wanted to post it everywhere for everyone to read. It said that we needed to stop making friendships about us (not that you were doing this, I’m just contributing to the conversation here).
So, like, my friend has had a rough time at work, they come to me to vent. And my fist response is to say “oh, I know how you feel” and then I share some crappy stuff about my work, too. My friend came to me for validation. Perhaps help. What they got was “your problems are nothing special”. When we listen to our friends, we need to *listen*.
EXACTLY!!! (and I got where you were going with that comment LOL!) I think people just have to be mindful when interacting with their friends and loved ones. You want to feel like you’re being “heard!”
Friendship bank! The greatest gift of life is friendship, and we have received it.
I am super focused on friendships right now.
I’ve let my constant stress/anxiety take a toll on my friendships and I need to work on nurturing them. When you’re so stressed that just living is exhausting it’s hard to give friendships the time they really need to flourish. I’m going to reach out to a friend right now to say hi. Thanks for this important reminder!
I have gone through the same thing!! I am super excited because I am hanging out with one of the friends I thought might do the “slow fade.” I just have to try and be completely present. My constant stress kept me from being the real “me” you know what I mean? I am not a crazy, angry bitchy girl by nature. But, I sure in the heck was during the stress years LOL!
The ‘stress years’..I love it, such a perfect decription that many can identify. Love this article and the comments. My ‘friendship’ pendulum has swung intensely in both directions. 🙂
Roz, I’m so over the stress years! I am just working hard to really focus on the people in my life and to manage my life in such a way that friendships remain healthy for everyone involved.