Recently, I left a large personal finance Facebook group focused on F.I.R.E. Yes, probably the one that you’re thinking of. The thing is, the creators are awesome and what they are doing is amazing. That Facebook community has stopped being amazing and here’s why. Even though the group is filled with great information daily, engaged community members, and tons of inspiration, sadly there is an underlying issue that I got fed up with and eventually I had to leave the group. I would like to make this clear-this issue I’ve seen pop up on numerous occasions in the personal finance space and once or twice a year, I have to speak out about it. The issue: financial shaming. Real talk, you can’t moderate people’s levels of empathy. In Facebook groups, on social media, in conversations, etc. I’m so over it. And, in the group that I left, I got tired of: the mansplaining, condescending comments, and passive aggressive comments. These weren’t directed at me. This behavior could be seen on a daily basis and I just was over it. Part of why this is happening is that the group is just HUGE. Why it happens on social media, because the comments can be passed off as “funny.” Let’s talk.
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Listen to the Show
Show Notes
Different opinions are absolutely fine, but making people feel like crap because of the decisions that they’ve made is just a tactic to make you feel powerful over people who may just need some compassion.
Yesterday, when I shared what today’s episode would be with my mom. She also brought up the point that we should question the people putting other people on blast the most (my words, not hers) Are they really as financially together as they are saying they are?
Martin Luther King Jr. made the following two observations:
“Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”
and
“Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.”
These quotes are important in this discussion because it feels like so many people are so quick to discount the following conversations.
- That women make less than white men.
- That people of color with names that are considered “ethnic” are less likely to be hired for jobs-regardless of their qualifications.
- That 51% of African-American women will find themselves supporting friends and family at some point during their life. And that myself, Sandy Smith, and other people that you know of in the personal finance space have already experienced living through this statistic.
- That emotion can be the breading place of bad financial decisions.
- That not everyone will make the “right” choices
In the 8 years that I’ve blogged about personal finance I’ve increasingly seen that money is a tool that intersects with:
- Emotion
- Knowledge
- Skill
- Drive/Motivation
- Community
- And, chance.
And, if a couple of those areas where money intersects end up slightly off, things can get messy really soon. So, I thought I would share some of my experiences with financial shame. Including a recent situation so that you understand that I’m a human being, just like you, trying to get my life right.
And, even though I’ve had a ton of financial successes that include:
- Paying off $60,000 of debt and counting
- Spending 7 years of relearning my financial habits
- Kicking overspending to the curb
Those experiences flew out the window when I was triggered by fearful financial situations. Why? Because I have financial PTSD from years of:
- Being deep in debt
- Having bill collectors call daily
- And just dealing with an ongoing financial mess
Financial Shame in My Life
Has presented itself during the following situations:
- Emotion and Money
- Knowledge and Money
- Lack of Control and Money
- How I earn my money
Story #1-Emotion and Money
In 2018, I was having a challenging year emotionally. I was questioning if I should keep working on being in business. Entrepreneurship is stressful, and I was still struggling with how I wanted to make money. I was paying my debt off steadily, but trying to figure out what I would be doing moving forward.
Basically, I was emotionally tired and energetically spent. Then, I had something happen THREE TIMES during that year.
I was served papers from three different credit card companies looking to collect on old cards. And, even though I had blogged about money for years and KNEW that I should take a step back and check everything to make sure that this was legit, I didn’t and I ended up paying on three bills that were charged off and that I was in my legal rights to contest and would have been able to have a the request to pay dismissed if I had done the following: asserted my rights under the Fair Debt Collections Act. Because all of those were charged off debts that were over 10 years old and the companies had reactivated the collection process…just to see if I would react the way that they thought I would. And, I did. And, during the three times I sat in that courtroom in 2018, I never once heard one person assert say “Hey, this debt was charged off 12 years ago. I am legally not obligated to pay this bill.”
It is my belief that God/the Universe wanted me to experience this situation so that I could share my story with others. By the way, I had another company try to pull this THIS YEAR (I wasn’t served, but called) with a bill that was charged off in 2008. It’s 2020. The minute I spoke with them, they knew that I understood the law and that I would NOT be caught off-guard this time. They threatened me and I made it very clear that I would be researching everything about this.
I haven’t heard from them since.
Being emotionally distracted hurt me financially in for more years than I can count. And, I knew that there would be someone out there who would judge me about the mistakes that I’ve made with money.
There is a reason why I lead with financial empathy. Because I’m still a work in progress. And with every lesson learned I’m going to educated others.
Currently, I have less that $7,000 in unsecured debt, student loans, and one other debt left. The unsecured debt should be paid off by March.
This is huge.
I no longer actively feel financial shame as often as I did. I do have some moments, but they have become fewer and fewer over time.
I share this episode on Martin Luther King Jr. Day as a way to foster conversation, empathy, and conversation. Please remember:
- Not all of us start with the same tools
- Some people have things that happen outside of their control and those things affect their finances
- That we don’t have to accept our current situation
- We can change our circumstances, it just might take some time to do it
- There but for the grace of God goes you and I
And, for those of you who are so busy judging people, maybe that same energy could be used educating and lifting people up.
Or, just shutting your mouth.
Resources and Related Posts
- Women’s Personal Finance (Women on FIRE)
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