The other day I was speaking with a person about things that they like to do for fun. As we spoke this person kept saying I don’t like this, that, and the other. It got to the point where I finally asked:
“What’s Your YES?!”
I was a little annoyed by that point because everything I had suggested had been shot down. Then I realized that this wasn’t the first time that I’d had an experience where someone kept saying “no” to everything I suggested.
I realized that this had also happened when I had spoken with people who were in the process of looking for new jobs. Have you ever spoken to someone who is looking for work and you make suggestions and everything you suggest they shoot down?
When you are going through your life whether it is at work, in your relationships, or dealing with yourself take note of all of things that you shoot down quickly. When you’re saying “no” to things super fast then you haven’t taken the time to really examine the opportunity that the question being asked to you presents.
Here are three real life examples that I can think of:
Example #1:
You’re being asked “Do you want to go bike riding/snowboarding/horseback riding?” and you respond “Fat people/black people/city people,etc don’t ride bikes/snowboard/or go horseback riding!” I want you to stop and ask yourself-“Why?” why is that a truism and why have you decided to own that truth? What if you have always wanted to do one of these things but kept from trying because you shot it down so quickly. Your “yes” in this situation is the ability to go after what you want regardless of what people say you can do. You “yes” is getting out of your comfort zone and being true to what makes you happy. And I chose this example because I have heard variations of all of these and am please to note that I do all three 🙂
Example #2:
You’re being asked: “Do you think that you should apply to that job?” and you respond “I don’t have all of the skills to apply.” I want to ask you-is that true? Did you take time to examine your transferable skills? Are you missing out on opportunities because you don’t have 100% of what is being asked for? I actually read a twitter thread a couple of weeks ago where a wonderful person expressed that they weren’t going to apply for a position that they didn’t have 100% of the qualifications for. Myself and another one of this person’s followers strongly encouraged this person to apply. What do they have to lose?? Are you saying “no” to trying something because you’re afraid of the outcome?
Example #3:
A situation comes up where you are being asked to redefine yourself professionally. It’s quite scary because you’re at a crossroads professionally and in your life. You are so used to being in your current role that you aren’t able to look at what you have to offer to your current organization (or others) through an objective and critical lens. You find it difficult to imagine what else you can do and you have a hard time recognizing transferable skills. You have always been in this role-how can you transition into another? Maybe you need to meet with a career coach to help you address this lack of confidence and inability to identify all of the skills you have that could be useful and advantageous in another role in or outside your current organization. Maybe your “yes” in this situation is the ability to re-imagine your current role.
I could have just as easily asked you in this post “What do you say “no” to?” But, that ‘s the easier question because you don’t have to dig deep when you say no. It’s almost a reflexive action.
Now, let’s be clear I am not talking about stupid stuff like doing illegal things, drugs, etc. Those are stupid and if you have to ask me what I think about that after reading my blog we are not on the same page.
I’m talking about taking time to actively manage the questions that are being posed to you throughout your daily life. The questions that may not have a right or wrong answer, but may have a totally different outcome on your life depending on the choice that you make.
Then, I would like to ask you what are you doing that’s blocking: love, family, friends, changes in your career, weight loss, etc. What is your “yes” and how deep are you willing to dig to figure out what that is?
*Not my cutest picture, but I was having a great time on the slopes!”
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I’m sometimes a Debbie Downer and I can definitely come up with a million and one reasons not to do something. I’m trying to get better about going out on a limb and trying new things (like being very proactive and assertive about getting my raise)
It’s funny how easy it is to talk ourselves out of things. I use the 25% rule, I will try something that is 25% out of my comfort zone. Then after awhile maybe I will push to 30%. Baby steps, baby steps.
I know a lot of people that say “No” to quickly. I used to be one of them. I am now much better! It’s amazing when you start saying “yes” to things and stop the internal script that just perpetuates “no”. I’ve gotten jobs I would have never applied for, transitioned careers, and started new relationships all from saying “yes” when my old self would have said “no”. P.s. Cute pic of you on the slopes, girl!
I used to say “no” very quickly when I felt something was outside of my comfort zone. I agree with you that when you commit to changing your internal script-things start to happen. Because I am saying “yes” to things I am opening up to new possibilities it’s a very exciting and intense feeling.
I like your 25% rule, Michelle. It’s easy for me to get too comfortable, so I’m always trying to stretch myself a little bit.
I used to work retail and could get people to purchase items no more than 20% out of their comfort zone. Any more than that-it wasn’t going to happen!
For me I think it just depends who asks me. For instance, I am terrible at sports – all of the them. (That’s the truth.) But I have absolutely no problem playing a game of basketball or baseball with my brothers. But if someone were to ask me to play volleyball with a bunch of experienced players I’d probably say no just because I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself.
But for the most part I stay fairly open to things. And am willing to try things at least once before completely ruling them out.
And on the work side I think I might say yes too often. Now I need to learn how to say no to jobs that aren’t ideal for me.
I think you bring up a really good point about trusting the source. You trust your brothers, so you know that they ultimately are concerned about your well-being. But, strangers create a different set of questions and concerns. I think it’s important to trust your gut and not make decisions too quickly. I try to give myself enough time to consider whatever is being asked of me before I make the final decision.
I’m pretty open to a lot of things and suggestions. When it comes to the job thing though the only thing I can say is I often have people say, “well what about….?” when they have no idea anything about my industry, for instance, “well have you tried emailing Steven Spielberg to see if he has an opening?” OK maybe a slight exaggeration, but sometimes it can be that close. People ask my all the time, “well why don’t you edit movies?” Um, geez, how do I answer that. Sure you’d be open to editing a movie, the likelihood of spending all that time chasing something which is just about a needle in a haystack versus being more realistic with what is available within your skill set is time better spent. Now if someone said, “have you ever considered editing your own type of home movie or making a documentary, then the answer is yes. I do know the type of people you are referring to though…they ask for advice and when you make suggestions they shoot down everything. I get that a lot when people asking me about working out. When I suggest stuff they don’t seem to want to do anything. OK then sit at home and eat chips…geez! 🙂
I think that when people say “well what about…” they are in brainstorming mode and just trying to help. It’s tricky if people are asked to help. I try not to ask people who have no idea what I do for help. I’m just asking for them to annoy me-LOL!! Steven Spielberg? Wow! My theory is-if you don’t want to hear what I have to suggest…don’t ask me and you’re right-go eat some chips!
I like to push my own limits and often I end up learning, getting or experiencing things that I otherwise would have missed out on. As you wrote, people are too quick to say no and often they won’t even hear what you have to say. I consider that kind of attitude as being close-minded and that’s not going to get people very far – and I was this way myself. It takes time to get comfortable exploring outside of our pre-set boundaries but often it’s worth it.
I have moments where in certain aspects of my life I haven’t pushed myself and in retrospect, I really regret not pushing myself. However, sometimes you’re not ready to push yourself-but when you are it’s a crime not to! When you’re close minded to taking chances it affects more than the immediate choice, there is a ripple effect. Each time I take a risk and I fail or succeed and observe that I’m ok…I try again.
What a great question to ask myself. I always think up ways to get out of things, when instead I really want to step out there and take a chance with a lot of different things!
I talked myself out of doing a few things in the last couple of years that I probably would have benefited from taking a risk at that time. Now I’m embracing me “yes” and seeing how things go.