For the past year I spent a lot of time thinking. I thought about what motivated me, what made me happy, what made me unhappy, and everything in between. I spent so much time thinking that I must have created a permanent frown line on my forehead.
When you think about issues and concerns that you’re worried about as much as I did, you start to also notice things. Other people’s quirks, your own quirks, ways you roadblock yourself, and ways others roadblock themselves.
It was during this time of deep thought that I stumbled on a habit that I had and numerous other people have that you may be aware of. So, what is it?
Assuming Ill Intentions on Behalf Of Another Person
In general, I am a very positive person…but…. I found that in my dealings with other people I was quick to assume what their intentions were in their dealings with me. This habit was a problem because if I assumed ill intentions at the beginning of an interaction, it colored my expectations of them in a negative way.
Luckily, I wasn’t super horrible with this habit. I figured out a way to work on it that has made all the difference in my expectations of people and in my dealings with them (will tell you in a second). So, what do I mean when I talk about assuming ill intentions on behalf of a person you’re interacting with.
Examples include (and some are loaded)
- You’re a person of color and assume that everyone is out to get you because you’re: Black/Green/Yellow whatever. You know where I’m going with this.
- You’re a heavier person and feel that people are judging you because of your weight.
- You’re a well-to-do person and people assume that you just don’t get “it”
- Someone approaches you and you assume the worst based on their appearance.
- Someone says something that you don’t like (in a conversation/online/etc) and you feel it’s specifically directed at you
The thing is, I don’t know what someone else’s agenda is when they are dealing with me. And to immediately assume ill intentions or bias on behalf of another person eliminates your ability to connect with that person on any level. It also, affects your ability to have an open conversation in the event of bias. You have given away your power in the situation. So, how do I deal with this issue? Simple!
I Assume Goodwill!
I assume that most people are good and that whatever interaction that we’re going to have is going to be a great one. I try not to take it personally when people get upset about something that has nothing to do with me. And, I try not to own a situation that I really don’t need to. If I AM the cause of the upset (this happens!) then I try to be open to hearing the other person’s concerns.
I love meeting new people, having open dialog, and love the opportunity to connect on a basic level with other human beings. I think that most of us are trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got. But, if I were to assume that everyone is out to get me-for whatever reason it changes how I deal with them.
And let’s be honest, there will be people who won’t like me because: I’m black, I’m a woman, I’m from Colorado, I’m American, or because I’m a coffee drinker. But, there are just as many people who will like me or will be open to meeting me because they too have an open mind.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about ignoring your instincts about people. I’m saying, if you’re in a safe space and are having an interaction with someone take some time to suspend any ownership over what their agenda may or may not be within the scope of your interaction.
Give people a chance…until they prove you wrong.
I’ve had much better interactions with people in general because I am no longer “owning” our interaction. I just let things flow. It’s a lot less stressful and something to consider.
Have You Noticed This Habit In Yourself or Observed It In A Friend? How Do You Manage This Tendency?
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I think we all make assumptions in one way or another- I think it’s an evolutionary way of protecting ourselves. We just need to stay open to letting those assumptions go.
I am definitely guilty of doing this! That’s why I have to do a mental reboot everyday so that it doesn’t negatively affect the day that I’m in. It’s a process, but I really feel a lot better about my interactions with people. They aren’t in the “wrong” before we even get started talking.
A thousand times, yes! I was thinking about writing a post like this, but couldn´t think how to word it. This is something I ALWAYS struggle with. I always assume people are talking about me behind my back, or annoyed by my presence, or that people are disappointed with my work, or whatever. My husband is SO the opposite in this regard, and he has been a blessing and a beacon for me and this struggle. “If they didn´t want you there, they wouldn´t have invited you over.” “If you were doing a bad job, they wouldn´t say you were doing a good job.” Like, oh yeah. Duh. He has such a simple view, but it´s clean, and he´s so right. He always assumes people have the best intentions, and I actively work on that daily, myself.
I think that a lot of people struggle with this and I feel like it’s a mixture of self-esteem, the times we live in, and to a certain extent stress. I agree with your husband that you wouldn’t be invited to things if people didn’t like you. I usually will stop inviting people if the moment has gone (sometimes this happens). Or, if I just don’t care for them (doesn’t happen too often). I just assume that people have good intentions. I’ve had very positive experiences with people-so I’m trying to continue with that trend. Am being stern with you now-stop using your energy worrying about all that stuff. It’s not important and probably stressing you out-and listen to your husband (he sounds awesome!)