I was caught off guard. Chit chatting as I normally do as I worked a fun side-hustle. I’m really hoping that THIS will be the year that I whittle my remaining debts down to one, maybe two, left to go by the end of 2018. So, in an effort to achieve this, I’ve picked up more gigs. It also helps that these gigs are actually great for the businesses that I’m building up. But, I digress. I was speaking with a nice guy and during the course of that conversation…he asked me out. Now, I’m embarrassed to say that it caught me off guard. And, I chickened out and very graciously turned him down. But, I realized that there was more going on in my head than I realized and I thought I wasn’t the only person who had thoughts like these.
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Financial Mess to Financial Impress
I’ve spent 5 years working on my financial life. Before I began my debt-free journey I had dated quite a bit. Some wonderful guys, some who weren’t so wonderful for me. One of the constants that seemed to come up was my the disaster that was my financial life. The disaster was both of my own creation, a lack of financial skills, and compounded by my mom’s job loss. I found myself taking care of two people, going to graduate school, and working at Starbucks.
It sucked.
But, what also sucked was the fact that my money woes always were looming in the background. From ill-advised purchases, to spending on what I truly couldn’t afford, and the constant calls from creditors-I was always dodging the money conversation with the guys I dated. But, in retrospect, I know that they noticed. How could they not? I was constantly a little bit on edge. If you know what I mean. And, the idea that I would have to one day bare my financial self to them, was super unappealing. And, really frightening.
I recall one conversation with an ex. We were still in that phase where we were pretending that we could still be friends (we couldn’t). If fact, we had really been in love, but timing (and in particular my personal situation was a constant black cloud looming in the background). Anywho, we’re talking and he mentions the concerns he has about the girl that he was dating at the time. He mentioned how she owed $200,000 grand for law school and that as much as he cared for her…that was a deal breaker.
In fact, I totally understood. And, I believe that in the back of my mind I felt like who would want to deal with me…considering the financial mess that I was dealing with?
- I had no debt-repayment plan
- At that moment my mind was completely focused on survival
- My financial life was co-mingled with a parent’s. Something that I would discover later was not unusual and especially not unusual for women of color.
When that nice guy asked me out…those insecurities came up and I had to acknowledge the fact that I was afraid of how I would be perceived by this random person who just wanted to meet me for coffee.
What I’d Forgotten
Was that I had achieved a ridiculous amount of financial successes in the past five years.
- Cutting more than $13, 500 from my annual expenses.
- Living on a cash only budget.
- Paying off thousands of dollars in debt, including almost $13,000 last year.
- Learning how to earn more money
- Learning healthy financial habits and kicking (most) of my emotional spending to the curb.
And, most importantly, I had a financial plan unlike before when my only plan was to survive. My hope is that I’m in a new “season” of my life. And, that these moments of being approached by a nice guy for coffee won’t be a one off. I also hope that the next time it happens I will say “yes” and not let fear win. Because I have a plan and I’m working it-unlike before.
But, I will also admit that I’m afraid to meet someone who’s financial life is a mess and without a plan. Is it wrong to admit that emotionally, the energy just isn’t there to manage another person’s financial mess?
I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it.
Have your finances ever affected your love life?
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Or maybe you just weren’t attracted to him? 🙂 I think we do have a tendency to sabotage ourselves with our past “issues” or fears. I know for me I need to kick out my roommate critic in my head who says all kinds of nasty stuff to me about myself…aka, limiting beliefs. Or at least stuff a rag in her mouth. 🙂
It was a little of both. He was a really nice guy though. This year my intention is to say “yes” as often as possible just to expand my dating energy. OMG that was woo-woo.