It’s Black Friday and I am currently sleeping in and getting some much needed rest. I hope you had an amazing day yesterday and a great time with your family and friends. Here are some fabulous links from November that I thought you would like!
November Link Love!
- Tonya from Budget and the Beach asks Why Am I Really Doing This? I ask myself this question all of the time.
- Maria shares an amazing story-HER story in the following post Only Got $20 In My Pocket
- Michelle from Making Sense of Cents shares 8 Things To Stop Being Afraid of So That You Can Be Rich, Happy, and Successful
- Stephanie shares her Only If It’s Free Philosophy. This is a game changer.
- Sandy from The Color of Money and Yes I Am Cheap wrote Ferguson Isn’t About Michael Brown Please also read my comments on anger.
- Gretchen also shares her perspective on the protests in Ferguson. This is a wonderful post and offers a very different perspective on what is going on.
The Shop My Closet Project Around the ‘Sphere
- Broke Twenty Something shared my post asking why aren’t you writing down your thoughts, hopes and dreams?
- Crystal from Sophisticated Spender did a menu challenge and shared my $40 grocery challenge from October.
- Tonya from Budget and the Beach shared my post where I took a stand about putting myself first.
- Shannon from The Heavy Purse also shared my post asking why aren’t you writing down your hopes, wishes, and dreams?
- Cat from Budget Blonde shared shared my post asking why aren’t you writing down your hopes, wishes, and dreams?
- House of Tre shared my post about visiting a dying American city.
A quick thought about anger:
This week the Ferguson decision was handed down and people reacted both violently and non-violently around the country. I found myself pulled into a very intense and heated Facebook “conversation” with a friend of a friend. They had posted a picture of another young man who had been shot by the police and killed only this young man was white. She was asking where were his riots? My response was “is this helpful?” Meaning, comparing the deaths of two young men is not helpful. Talking about inequality, abuse of power, poverty, and the right to trust that we will be policed fairly would be more helpful. Both shootings in my view were wrong and I continue to feel that how we police in this country needs to be looked at aggressively.
The “conversation” went downhill as she was too angry to “hear” what I was trying to convey. I then realized a couple of things:
- I very rarely if ever deal with people who are angry like this. Even my activist friends are mellower than this person.
- You should never engage with someone who is this angry-they won’t hear what you have to say and you get sucked into a rabbit hole of anger.
- I actually tabled the conversation. I literally wrote “let’s agree to disagree and table the conversation.” She still came at me 20 minutes later and then said that we should table the conversation.
- I ended it with “I tabled it 40 minutes ago-have a good night.”
The thing is, I haven’t dealt with someone that angry in YEARS. I ended up with a knot in my stomach and having the shakes. That was 40 minutes of wasted life dealing with someone who will never “hear” and understand what other people are trying to say.
I learned the hard way that sometimes you have to let people stew in their anger and stay out of it. It was a lose, lose situation for me and it took awhile afterwords for me to get to my normal baseline of being mellow and chilled out. I felt like I needed to sage my house to rid myself of that energy and wave sage over my computer to cleanse her angry vibe out of my digital space (I still might do that).
I surround myself with people who are positive, listen, and even when they disagree with what I’m saying are respectful of my point.
What has happened in the U.S. where intellectual discourse/conversation has become a battle for who is right? We see this everyday in Congress and maybe this is where the problems started?
I probably could have learned a lot about that commenter but I tuned her out because of her “shouting.” I also tuned out the rioters because burning down buildings, destroying people’s livelihoods (and places were population of Ferguson would patronize) is ridiculous. The real problem is that anger begets anger. Anger has little angry babies that settle in your minds, hearts, and souls. And then this babies multiply and you are blinded by it.
I want to help people, empower people, and be kind to people. I don’t want to engage in this kind of ridiculousness where I can’t have a productive conversation and learn a new perspective from someone else. People have to learn to manage their anger. So instead I will focus on being Kind. Kindness goes a long way. I learned the hard way this week that anger is not the way.
Have you been sucked into a situation like this before? How did you feel afterwords?
How do you deal with angry people?
*Google Image*
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What’s sad is I’ve had those kinds of conversations about my Christianity. There’s a weird group of folks who believe everyone should be able to do or say what they want, except they won’t allow a Christian to voice a Christisn viewpoint. And if you try, it goes downhill fast.
Agree that their posting was not helpful though. Even if the white kid’s shooting was the same as Ferguson, we still have race issues to address in this country. (I have my white privilege, so I know I’ll never really understand all that happens to the black community, but I try to be sensitive. To be educated about the reality. To not be part of the problem.)
I work with a very diverse group of people and I try to be very conscious about respecting other people’s point of view. I just feel that comparing deaths isn’t the answer. Aren’t they all wrong when they occur at the hands of people who are hired to protect us? I think not only is there a race issue I think there is a very real issue of class and poverty. People have to feel like they can move ahead in this country. There is also a growing white poverty issue and sooner than later these type of situations will also become the norm in those communities as well. At the end of the day there is a need to have conversation about how we view people, and how policing can be done in such a way that the people the police are tasked to protect are brought into the process.
However, it did not surprise me that the reaction in Ferguson (protests/riots) occurred. Every time I went to St Louis I was amazed at how segregated the city was…it was just super obvious and pretty sad as the people were really sweet…
The internet, unfortunately, has become a place where people attack because they feel protected by the technology. I just hope we all take the time to remember our humanity and connectedness.
Well, the funny thing is this is a friend of a friend of mine so I could see what she looked like. Her vitriol was so bad that other people defended my integrity and called her out on it. She just made herself look bad.
I LOL’ed at saging your computer. 🙂 Thanks for sharing my article.
That girl was so angry. I hope to never engage in something like that again.
“I tabled it 40 minutes ago-have a good night.”
Always having to have the last word, Michelle. I can see why she was so angry! :))
Great advice, its always best to not discuss things with people when either party is angry (especially if you are friends or family) because you usually end up saying something you regret.
Now…everyone count to 10!!
She was so angry before I had the last word. I was pushed over the edge. I’ve never interacted with someone like this before and I have to laugh at myself when I read that sentence!!! Typically I just let it go. For some reason I just couldn’t with this one. Lesson learned.
Due to some people who are wanting to spew anger, rage and only hear their own point of view, this is why I no longer publicly participate in sensitive discussions. I’ve been drawn into heated debates in the past and it always ends in a downward spiral. It’s sad that I don’t feel safe enough when I want to clearly and calmly express my views while wanting to hear to the views of others but I am not up to dealing with vitriolic responses and acts whatsoever.
I intensely dislike negative and unproductive energy so I guard my spirit very carefully against it.
I really learned the hard way with this one. I should have realized given how extreme her initial response was that I was in a situation where a productive conversation just wasn’t going to happen. I felt a little disappointed with myself for getting sucked into her angry world. My world might not be perfect but it’s pretty good and sucky people aren’t allowed. It took at least 40 minutes to get to my baseline mellow and the only good thing about this whole thing was discovering that I’m actually pretty happy despite everything.
Man there were a lot of those heated debates on social media when the verdict came out. I almost never engage in a “discussion” around heated topics when the person posting is writing from an “I’m right, you’re wrong” point of view. I wanted to post my own opinions about the situation but held back because I knew it would be a knee-jerk reaction. Basically that we have a very deep problem in America about how other races are perceived. I do feel very disheartened though at how it turned into a riot because we know on an intellectual level how that so won’t help the situation, but I’m also not in the heat of things experiencing life the way they have. Instead I try to sit back and observe how I’m feeling and try to understand. And most importantly try and feel love and compassion, because I don’t want to be one more angry person out there. Know what I mean? I think the trick is to be able to do that BUT be proactive at the same time. We as a country have a lot of healing to do.
Thanks so much for including me in your link love this week!
I am used to having really interesting and engaging conversations with people that I know about all types of topics. In those moments I am pushed to think, am treated respectfully, and am given an opportunity to grow intellectually. Unfortunately, this person wasn’t in a headspace to explain her point of view in a way that was respectful and engaging. In fact, I thought it was a shame because she did have a valid point that could have opened up a whole different conversation on how people perceive their treatment by cops based on race. Having lived in other countries (where these conversations just don’t happen) I will say that Americans are still doing a pretty good job of having uncomfortable conversations about race/poverty/and to a certain degree class. We have a long way to go, but I think we recognize that to be the case.
Interesting story about the angry conversation. I did that a couple years ago and also vowed to never let it happen again. The anger just engulfed me, and I got no pleasure out of any of it. I now try to avoid posting anything political, religious, personal or even related to current events, on Facebook. I’m sure it’s helped me avoid some anger over the years.
What I need to do next is look away when others write negative, unkind, angry, or bigoted posts or comments. I have a bad habit of reading that stuff, and it still gets me down, but in a less personal way.
I won’t do it again. Life is short and I have a pretty good life-not perfect, but things are ok. Involving myself in conversations that leave me in physical distress and experiencing deep levels of anxiety is a fool’s errand that I won’t be doing again. I am feeling pretty good about my imperfect life and I don’t want other people’s cynicism to leech away the equilibrium that I’ve worked hard on creating. No thanks! Good luck on not reading the negative stuff, it hardly surprises me that it gets you down. Start practicing reading positive things, that should have the opposite effect.
I agree with Kassandra. I’m not a fan of confrontation, and more often than not, when I calmly voice my thoughts or opinions on a controversial topic, I end up getting attacked, so I just keep quiet. It’s really sad that it comes down to not feeling safe to talk about things online. There’s no reason to get so upset and angry to the point of making others feel horrible. I can relate to feeling shaky after an experience like that. I hope the rest of your weekend goes well!
I was really attacked and several other friends actually intervened because it was clear that I was trying to have a calm conversation and learn something. I will continue to engage in debate and conversation only with PEOPLE THAT I KNOW!! Because we have already established a baseline of mutual respect and courtesy in order to even be friends. I think that the lady I was having this “conversation” with has a lot of anger issues and experiences life in a really negative way. I am so glad that I’m not her! The weekend has been great, nice and chill.
I certainly have. I find that I don’t like myself very much when I’m angry. I have a horrible temper and I don’t compartmentalize well. When I’ve allowed myself to go there – it affect everything and everyone. That’s not good AT ALL!!!! What I can do best now is just distance myself from people that “take me there” if that option exists. I also don’t engage in hot button topics on FB – very often – I’ve stayed out of the Ferguson debate online. It’s easier, I think, for people to be less cordial when behind a computer screen. Myself included. Unless I’m going to actually become involved in a meaningful way, I leave the FB rants to others. LOL! You’re right, that negative energy can take a toll.Woo saaaaa my sister!
Oh and I reached out to Tonya and Sandy about the weddings. That’s for the tip. Should be an interesting conversation for sure!!!!
I just find that I have so many things that stress me out that I actively fight getting engaged in angry debates. I just don’t have the energy for that anymore. Life is short I have other things that I could be doing to affect positive change and move people forward. I really was shaken up for awhile that night and I hadn’t realized how well I’ve been managing my intake of negative stuff. I like where my head is at and I’m unwilling to slide down that slippery slope of despair/anger/bitterness. It’s hard to return from that head space to a more positive one. So, I work very hard to be positive, kind, support people, and lift them up. It makes me feel good and makes the people I’m around feel good too. Glad that Tonya and Sandy will be able to help you out!
Thanks for the tip – that is!
I’m glad I could help!
I couldn’t get the link to open for the “Only Got $20 in my Pocket” article. is there a blog I can go to for this? Thanks. I’ve just recently discovered your site and I’m really enjoying it.
Hi Holly, thank you very much for your support! I checked Maria’s blog and I think something is up technically. It looks like her page is down (probably the server). I would check on the page tomorrow. Hopefully, it will be fixed. Sorry about that.
http://www.themoneyprinciple.co.uk/only-got-20-in-my-pocket/
It’s working again!