No matter how many times I hopped up and down, my cute pants weren’t going to fit. But, it wasn’t just the pants, my jeans, some tops, and JACKETS weren’t fitting. Several of my cute winter coats I could no longer button. And, newsflash, we had the coldest winter in years in Denver so not being able to button my coat up was not fun. The stress of running my own business, paying off debt, the energy in the US, and just life had found me eating my way through…everything. Let’s be clear, I’m not expecting to be the same weight as I was when I was 20 years old. But, being this heavy wasn’t and isn’t working for me.
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Damn Michelle…
That’s what one of my Venezuelan friends said to me when she saw me 4 years ago when I was 10 pounds lighter than I am now. South American friends are SAVAGE AF. She legit asked me what was going on and why I looked the way that I did.
Dang.
I knew I’d gained weight…but, I just wasn’t ready to deal with it. In fact, I still enjoyed hiking, biking, and walking around often but I wasn’t fit anymore.
And, I live in Colorado.
Typically ranked in the top 10 fittest states in the nation. Usually in the top three. And, I was dealing with a Colorado weight paradox.
I’m Colorado fat and Colorado skinny. Yep, this is a thing. When I’m in Colorado, I’m fat. No shade by the way. I’m just stating a fact. In fact, I’m also the largest person in my circle of friends and when I’ve brought up the Colorado weight paradox to other women they laughed and agreed. When I’m outside of Colorado, in many places I’m “skinny.”
You’re Getting Older Michelle
Yes, I am. But, I can’t use that excuse when I’m snowboarding and a freaking 80 year old smokes me down the mountain. Or, a 50 year old kills it during one of the many races that we have all year long. Or, when I’m looking at other women my age who are looking FIERCE. I’m actually comparing myself to my GenX and older Millennial ladies living here in my town.
The truth is this…
I eat healthy food, and I eat too much of it, I’m not moving enough to lose weight and I hadn’t hit my weight breaking point.
And…chocolate.
You know, the moment when you just are so fed up with your weight that you will do something ANYTHING (reasonable and rational) to get the weight gone? I finally hit that point. And, if I hadn’t, going to Magical Goodwill and NOT FITTING IN JEANS 2 SIZES LARGER than my normal size totally pushed me over the edge. And noticing that a third pair of jeans are wearing through where my thighs rub together. Dang.
How am I going to do this after f#cking around for so long?
Begin with Mindset
The weird thing is I love being active, exercising, and all the things and I found myself trying to figure out…what the hell happened?
How did I fall out of the habit of showing up for myself physically? And, why did I allow it happen for so long? Fortunately, I’m not the only one. Recently, I listened to an Amy Porterfield episode where she talks about her weight loss journey. It was so relatable to me and I wanted to share how my weight has affected me mentally and physically.
I don’t share this so that you will say “Michelle-you look great! I had no idea.” Well, I’ve been overweight for at least the past 7 years so if you met me during that time-you’ve never seen me at a healthy weight. And, the weight settled pretty evenly on me.
- Physically-I wheeze when I’m walking. Sadly, I didn’t realize this until I began recording Insta Stories and heard it…every time I would walk around and record a story
- Physically-My knees ache and I walk slower than I used to.
- Physically-I constantly feel weighed down. Literally, weighted down.
- I don’t want to take pictures or do video. I’ve literally FORCED myself to do them because of the type of business that I’m building.
- I’m over wearing holes in my pants where my thighs rub together. I’ve just thrown out two pairs of jeans this week that this happened to. Fun times.
- Recently, I shot a huge media feature and was cut from it. Is it sad to say that I was HAPPY that I was cut from it because I just don’t feel good about how I looked? It really bothers me how big I’ve gotten.
- Constantly uncomfortable. I’m constantly physically uncomfortable. All.the.damn.time.
162 Pounds
Yep, that’s how much I weigh. It’s a bit shocking to me too. At 5’4″ the healthy range for that height should be between 108-135 pounds. Huge range. Since I’m a grown a@@ woman, I would love to be 130-135 pounds again.
I don’t need to be super skinny.
And, that requires that I show up for myself and show up for my physical health. In the past year or so I’ve really thought about my own health and wellness and mortality.
I have a responsibility to myself to care for myself better than I have been for many years. One of my relatives has been dealing with cancer for the past year and I feel like it is incredibly irresponsible of me to not prioritize my health and wellness.
Here’s the thing:
- I was always skinny. Head’s up, I’m not expecting to be skinny like that again because I’m older, but healthier and thinner than this.
- Emotional eating is my jam. And, even though I eat healthy food, I’ve been eating too much of it LOL! Why I’m overweight is not a surprise to me.
- I’m a bit nervous. When I was younger I dealt with eating issues (was a cheerleader/dancer/etc.) I got very thin (people intervened) and so I get nervous about focusing on losing weight because when I was younger I FOCUSED in all of the wrong ways. I’m not that girl any more and I don’t have the type of concerns that I had at that time.
Self-care 24 Hours a Day
This week I shared my Minimal Sustainable Action strategy. The idea is that on those tough days that we all have, to have a strategy to show up for myself on those days.
What I Miss
- Breathing easily
- Feeling like I look my best
- My cute clothes fitting me
Showing up for myself physically on a daily basis. I LOVED working out it was a great way to work through my stress. The endorphin rush was incredible and I miss it.
Real talk, I feel like a stranger in my body. Like I’m floating above observing someone else with a face similar to mine but none of the energy, moxy, and pep that I used to have.
And, I feel guilty because I’ve let it get this bad and I have access to FREE EXERCISE CLASSES. And, MOUNTAINS. And, a gym. And, a bike. A huge park blocks from my house.
Basically, are no barriers to weight loss besides my brain and mindset. I don’t want to go to FinCon or Podcast Movement, or any of the other events that I have my eye on feeling like this.
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Girl…….. SAME.
Honestly, it feels like fate that I read this post today. I’m about 35 pounds over my ideal weight, and it’s been building for a little over 2 years. That’s a lot. It’s not my medication, so I just have to face the facts: I’m not taking care of myself the way I used to 30 pounds ago. I’m over-eating and stress-eating and getting lazier with my workouts. I’m way more likely to go rock climbing than to put in the strength and endurance training I need to be healthy and strong. Aaaaand I hate looking at pictures of myself right now. My waist and thighs just look gigantic to me.
Anyway, thank you for being so honest here. You’ve helped me realize what I need to do to get healthy and happy with my body again.
I’m just so over: thinking about it, feeling this way, looking this way, and talking about it. And, I feel so self-conscious about it. And, it’s super frustrating when you say…”I’m physically unwell-which is what being 30+ pounds overweight really is and you get: You don’t need to lose weight! You look great. And, you’re like…thanks..but, seriously, I feel like sh$t.
I think you are on the way to getting where you want to be. But the wheezing and breathing issues, those may have nothing to do with weight, if you weighed 262 probably, but for someone only slightly overweight at the most, I don’t think you’d expect that. I’d see a doc, it is possible you’ve got asthma and that it has no relationship to weight. I have it and I’m a distance runner and not at all heavy. But it is better when treated than not. And go for it girl, life sucks when your metabolism starts to slow down but you are smart and focused and you sound like a winner to me!
Hey Steve, happily it’s not asthma. It’s seriously high altitude issues. The wheezing got better last year when I lost some weight LOL! Thanks for your support and I’m hoping to get myself focused and get this weight GONE.
My suggestion is to set a target weight but then set interim goals along the way. If 130 is your weight, you’ll certainly start off well with any changes you make, but at a certain point the initial boost tapers off and you realize, that is a BIG goal. Many people lose interest at this point, figuring that it’s just too far in the future. But if you set your first goal at 155, you’ll have something that is achievable in a window where you still have your motivation. Hitting that goal will give you another momentum boost to then go to 150, and so on and so forth. Keep the bigger goal at the end, but don’t lose site of the milestones in between, as those will be what gets you there.
This is a fantastic suggestion. I think the problem has been that 30 pounds feels like a HUGE amount…also based on how I feel physically. I love the 5 lbs at a time approach. Will definitely give this a try.