Dating has always been a pretty easy process for me-go to the coffee shop, smile with just a hint of a twinkle in my eye and I’ve met someone new. I’m basically an extrovert with some slight introvert tendencies that have gotten a little worse because I lost my confidence during the years that I was supporting my mom.
It’s hard to open up your life when it’s basically a hot mess. Who wants to be a part of a mess? I don’t and I was uncomfortably aware that I didn’t want to involve anyone in my mess. What I didn’t realize was when I made that decision I also began building a wall that kept my feelings at bay. The thing is everything has its season and eventually I stopped supporting my mom, moved into my own place, and started rebuilding my life.
There is a profound loneliness that happens when you go through tough times. You feel like it’s you against the world and that no one else could ever understand the things that you’ve gone through and truthfully-you don’t want them to.
Life is not meant to be lived alone and like most people I wanted to find “the One.” It has proven to be a lot more complicated than I ever imagined meeting another human being could ever be. What was so simple has become ridiculously complicated. What is annoying:
- Texting–To communicate feelings. Use words-not a ton, just enough so that we’re on the same page. Here’s an example “Hi” “Hi” “What’s going on?” Me “Nothing” and the sound of losing interest is the equivalent of the dial town you’re about to hear.
- Online Dating-What’s the deal with connecting with someone online and they seem to be a great fit and you email back and forth for a MONTH and you never met? What the heck? What’s the point to that? Don’t waste my time bro. And, yes, that just happened.
- Non-negotiables–I don’t smoke, I don’t smoke up (no ganja), no drugs, and education is huge. I just discovered the education bias recently when a really nice guy connected with me. The problem was that he only had a high school education. He had no other certificates of training or things that would indicate to me that he loved learning. And, he had only read 3 books this year. I am not asking to date a Mensa candidate, but it was a situation that I had never considered and was surprised by how strongly I felt about having some type of secondary education. I will make exceptions for carpenters and cowboys. I met a hot cowboy today at the National Western Stock Show and would have gone anywhere with him. Ahem, I digress.
Finally, one day, I just decided that I’d had enough.
I Stopped Looking For Love
And here are my reasons why…
- Trying to Find “The One” felt like work! I’d already quit one job and I really didn’t feel like picking up another one.
- I’ve Tried It All-Online dating, speed dating, sports leagues (kick ball league is awesome!) Meetups, and other events. But, I haven’t tried Coffee Meets Bagel-I might be up for that one..we’ll see.
- Unnatural-It just felt so forced, desperate, and became kind of sad.
- RomComs Became My Addiction-I re-watched: Love Actually, Something New, Think Like a Man, Bridget Jones’ Diary, Notting Hill, He’s Just Not That Into You, and every John Hughes movie ever made. I was looking for real love, not a fairy tale.
- The Smell of Desperation-The thing is guys (people) can tell when you’re desperate. I was fighting the script that black women have a hard time finding love, and was still dealing with the huge head trip from the aftermath of dealing with my mom’s jobless situation. Just like my negative money scripts this is something that I have to work on because it’s bull.
- Costs Money-There has got to be a free way to find love without being on OK Cupid. I’m just not spending money on online dating anymore.
What I didn’t know was that I needed time to deal with the stuff that was in my head. How could I manage someone else if I hadn’t dealt with myself? I decided to stop actively looking for love and am focused on myself. There are pending issues that I need to deal with that I think will make me feel better about myself.
Embracing Single Life
While I don’t wish to be single forever I’ve made peace with the notion that everything has its season. This is my moment to spend working on myself, on my finances, and on my friendships. I am in a lot healthier place emotionally than when I started this blog and know that I would be a great partner for any guy that I meet. In retrospect, I wouldn’t have been a good partner because I was dealing with too much stuff. As I clean up the last super messy parts of my life I am at peace with the idea that it is a good thing that I hadn’t met anyone in the last couple of years-it just wasn’t the right time.
I’ve had friends find love online, at Meetups, at school, and the rest. I am not sure what my love story will be, but it’s not this. It’s not forced, it’s not stressful, it’s not filled with anxiety.
I believe that love will find its way into my life but I want it to come in the way that it used to. With a look, a furtive touch, that natural moment that can’t be scripted.
When It Does-I’ll Be Ready because my word for the year is NOW! I will embrace (hehe) that opportunity when it presents itself and enjoy the process of falling in love, learning about and supporting another person’s wants and needs, and factoring someone else in my life. I’m looking forward to it.
*If the hot guy in the picture connects with me-I’ll be up for it. No questions asked*
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(Michelle you don’t have to post this in Comments- just wanted to respond to your post)
Hi Michelle,
I did read your heading: You have stopped looking for love. However, you are still open to finding love, and if you are OK with deliberately opening the door a little to possibilities, I have been noticing some things lately. I am aware of this because I have friends who are seeking, and it’s occurring to me that if I was looking to meet someone I would:
-attend our small city’s First Responders/Protective Forces appreciation events. Our town just had one, and I noticed many single officers and firefighters.
-attend the yearly Firefighters Olympics or whatever they call it. Teams from surrounding areas get together and compete in events. I would think much opportunity for meet and greet during and after events, into evening.
-this sounds trite, but I have seen and conversed with many single men at those free Whole Foods classes, notably the vegan cooking ones. They weren’t necessarily vegan, just into nutrition, sports nutrition, whatever. And two viable single men were at the lasts vegan lunch MeetUp I went to. I would guess there would be more guys at more mainstream, not vegan events. A girl at work met her husband at a bike and beer MeetUp.
-I’m thinking that I would have no problem getting the word out to friends, even acquaintances, that you are open to meeting someone. People really want to help these connections happen.
This is stuff you might be doing in your everyday life anyway, but you never know when things will happen. I guess what I am saying is, it’s maybe a fine line between open door and forced/unnatural. In my own experience, as a divorced mom of one, aged 41, living in a rural town and not interested in bars or bar patrons, I knew I had to do something “unnatural” to get my remarriage plan going. I responded to a guy who posted a likely looking personal ad (this was just before internet dating was around) in the newspaper! Talk about forced and just plain weird. I chose his ad based on the keywords “educated”, “age 35” and “professional”. Turned out that was my first and last foray into personal ad dating- we clicked. We married 3 years later and have been married 14 years. How random.
It’s not desperate to step up and be actively alert to possibilities. Nor is it desperate to be present in settings likely to yield candidates. It’s smart. You’re doing it right.
Thanks for your great blog- I really enjoy it and have learned from it. My best to you !
P.S. In rereading your post before sending this, I read that you have some “non-negotiables”. Totally smart I think- mine was the no bar patrons (drinkers, druggies), and I had a few others. However, I remember at the time thinking that maybe I would need to reframe a little- there might be a guy who was at a bar not because he is a barfly but because it was all he could think of to meet someone, or he was just with friends. Maybe. Or maybe not. There’s sometimes another fine line between boundaries and barriers.
Susan, I absolutely loved your comment and there was one point that you made that really touched on what I was trying to express-The door (my door) is totally open to finding love I am just sick of feeling like everything is so forced and unnatural. I just want to continue doing the stuff that I’ve been doing (will be adding the vegan cooking classes and firefighters LOL) without any stressful expectation that I HAVE TO MEET HIM NOW! I just want to let that go and enjoy the process. I think that I just stopped enjoying the process of meeting new people and worrying about my viable eggs, and all the stuff that women have to worry about that men don’t. I’ve made peace with the idea that I might not have my kids in the way that I envision and that I can’t control this whole process. I just want to enjoy the ride and I had stopped doing that for awhile now. I love your story it made me smile! Always feel free to leave awesome comments 🙂
That dude is hot! I’ve been in this mode for a long time. I’ve proven that the whole, “it happens when you least expect it” is total crap because I have been ‘least expecting it” for years! lol!
I was very happy to find that stock photo!I think that you’ll meet someone now that you’re not freelancing.
THIS!
For years I looked for love but then stories ended and I felt bad like I was wrong, then I’ve watched and read “He’s just not into you” and I am happy about everything I havve, single life and finally I’ve thought that God has great plans for me and He knows when I will must to meet my Mr right!!! I understand you at 100%
Giulia! I just want to be happy and I do feel that God has great plans for us. We will meet our Mr. Rights, but until then I just want to focus on living a happy life.
I read this post and I thought about it. I think you are an amazing person and I think you are maybe too hard on yourself. You are not a train wreck and your life is not as messy as you perceive it to be. You will meet the one or maybe you will meet mr. right now, who knows. I completely understand about not going out of your way to pursue it and if online dating isn’t your thing, it’s not your thing. But I think my main comment is don’t beat yourself up and don’t talk bad about yourself. Any guy would be lucky to have you, quirks, working through your shit and all.
I am over $50,000 in student loans debt but I am not my debt. I was recently diagnosed with BPD but I am not my BPD. I am codependent but I am not codepdency. I have family issues and personal issues. I don’t make as much money as I want to make but I am beyond blessed. I go to therapy. I am finishing my education. And any man, including my bf, is blessed to have me. You will always be a work in progress and have things you want to “deal’ with. Just don’t close yourself off.
Thanks Athena! I think that I should say is I feel good about myself but the process of doing all of those things so aggressively was making me feel bad. The more I tried the worse I was feeling because nothing seemed to be happening. Now, I just want to take the pressure off because I am hard on myself and just enjoy each moment. I don’t want people leaving this post thinking I’ve stopped wanting to meet “The One.” I’ve just stopped actively/aggressively looking for him and I believe that when I least expect it in a natural moment I will met him and it will be unforced, fun, and amazing. And you’re right-he will be lucky to have me! Thank you so much Athena for being a great friend, supporter, and cheerleader these past years. I appreciate you!
I don’t mind the guy not having a degree but not being curious and willing to learn is a deal breaker. It is good that you are still open to possibilities without actively looking. Desperation does make people want to run away.
The lack of curiosity really turned me off. I spend a lot of time learning new things and pushing myself to learn more, so the lack of curiosity was a turn off.